I have these periods of creativity and clarity that are so outside of the norm that I can only explain them as divine inspiration or some sort of spiritual channeling — it’s lovely and unexplainable while I’m in it, but once it goes, I am so, so blue until the Muse returns

i don’t feel like my ideas belong to me, they feel simply borrowed from something greater. perhaps it’s just subprocesses and pattern recognition all the way down, but i am not in control and i am subject to the whims of my brain. I am not the captain of this ship

this impulsivity and inability is painful and confusing for me. it’s much, much better than it used to be, but sometimes i am simply Stuck until ideas marinate for some unknown amount of time. I can’t conjure it no matter how much I try. Forcing it is the worst of all worlds

this will probably never change. i am trying so hard to force myself into normal patterns, regular and predictable, balanced, regulated. i am not sure its possible to succeed but it isn’t stopping me from trying so hard it hurts